i totally am at the edge of just giving up. i had to have two more shots in my back today to try to calm down the flare up i've been having. oh what fun. when the doc was examining me, i almost jumped off the table he was hurting me so bad. next week, i get to go talk to the urologist about the fact that i'm still having a good deal of pain in the area of my bladder and sex is still somewhat uncomfortable. what an enjoyable conversation that will be. and apparently, i'm a very bitter woman, according to my oldest friend, because i'm not running into my father's arms filled with sympathy for him because i found out he has prostate cancer. it's not as if i would wish him sick or anything, but when he was treating all of his kids like shit and doing us dirty and alienating us all, i foretold that someday he would be sick and just maybe he might wish he hadn't done that. now, i don't know if he is regretting his actions towards us or not. as far as i know, he has no use for us, he has never had any use for us, and he never will. he has not called me, admittedly i have not given him my phone number, but i am listed so all he has to do is dial 411. i tried to have a better relationship with him and his devil wife tried to take my child away from me for my efforts, with him looking on from the sidelines, not trying to stop her, for all i know he was in on the play. on top of all of this, i just don't believe it is all that serious. they apparently found it a couple of months ago and they aren't doing the surgery until next month. on top of that, they are not following up with any kind of chemo or anything. so, apparently they think they will be able to get it all with the surgical procedure and that it hasn't spread anywhere else. so he is sick and has to have surgery. ok. well, i've been sick a lot over the last decade and i've been hospitalized and operated on repeatedly in that time and he hasn't been there for me through any of it. not when they told me i had cancer, or any of the other times. so if that makes me bitter, i guess i am. i just have no use for someone who has no use for me and doesn't want me around. i don't even really hate him so much anymore as i just don't feel much of anything for him. he's someone who tortured me, abused me, talked to me like i was worse than the lowest animal. i think i've made progress that i don't actually hate him anymore.
to top all of this wonderful stuff off, my son has decided to become a teenager at age 9. he has the attitude down pat. of course, he's been telling me since he was about 4 or so that i can't tell him what to do because it is a free country. but now, it has gotten so much worse. his grades, which have always been excellent, have started to drop, apparently because of two new pals he has that he goofs off with instead of doing work. he doesn't turn in his work, i don't know if he just forgets or if he doesn't do it. he refuses to clean his room, which is so bad, you can't even walk in it. he lies almost everytime he opens his mouth. i just don't know what to do about him. maybe we should start spanking him more often. he has rarely been spanked in his life, it's always been me grounding him and it just doesn't seem to work. this weekend he came up with this big elaborate theory to piss me off. he decided that i had kidnapped him from his real parents and that i was not his real mother. so, everytime he would ask me for something, i told him to go ask his real mother.
so that is what it has been like around here. lots of back pain, stomach pain,and pains in the ass. is it any wonder that i want to know what the fuck is going on? isn't it time for me to get a break already? i mean, i'm thinking i must have done something pretty bad in some past life to have this life i have now. not horribly bad, because there are some good things in my life, but pretty bad.
i hope everyone is doing alright and that all is well in their worlds. take care and i'll try to do this again soon.