i've spent most of today alone, thinking about things. i can't really say i feel any more enlightened than when i began. if anything, i feel even more confused, and to be honest, i feel like a whiner. i know there are people out there with worse problems than i have. i know this, and yet, caught up in my little world, i feel that my problems are horrendous. so what if my life was forever changed at the age of 23. at least i had the 23 years before hand that i enjoyed as much as i was able to. even now, i enjoy myself as much as i possibly can, i try to ring what pleasure i can out of my life. so what do i have to bitch about? so i was bipolar growing up, at times i had a really good time with it, just other times i was really depressed and screwed up. even when i had fun i was screwed up, but i was having fun so it was ok. what right do i really have to complain? i try to keep my moaning and groaning to a minimum, noone really wants to hear how you are when they ask. on here at times i probably have let loose with the complaining. so i'm miserable. if i have a bladder flare up, i have to go to the torture chamber for a catheter every day for about a week. so what. do i really have a right to say anything? do i have a right to be angry? because i am. all i've ever wanted is to be normal and one thing on top of another has piled up to make it to where i will never be normal for the rest of my life. when my dad beat us, i just wanted a normal family, i never got that until i had a family of my own, and even we aren't normal because i'm sick. that man tortured me to the point i had a stomach ulcer by age 6 and he has never paid for it in any way, except for the loss of me and his grandson, which i don't think he cares about. i'm sorry, i'm going off on tangents. there are just so many things that are unfair and make me angry that i have had to endure in my life. i know i need to find a way to let go of the anger. that just holds me back and causes negativity in me. but how do you get past traumas that scar you so deeply, just as my illnesses are shaping who my son is becoming, hopefully not negatively. it seems to be making him a very empathetic young man with a sensitive soul. i hope that doesn't change as he gets older.
so how do i stop myself from feeling anger and feeling sorry for myself because of the cards i've been dealt. most of the time i deal with it fine and i don't feel sorry for myself. but man, when i do, i do. i try to take the view that i maybe bad and i may have been better, i've seen worse, i've been worse for that matter. i try to tell myself that any time i get down about it. sometimes it even works.
people look at me and they can't figure out why i could ever get depressed. i'm reasonably pretty, i have a good looking husband, a handsome, well mannered, intelligent son, and we own our own home. i'm living a fairly descent life, it's nothing to sneeze at, so how could i get depressed. and i just have to answer i don't know. it's just part of the cycle. the first time i ever tried to commit suicide, i was a knock out. i've aged now and i'm nowhere near the knockout i was. but people just look at the surface, they don't look deeper. and that is sad, because there is a lot to be found deeper inside.
