well, yesterday was my husband's birthday and we had a small little party for him, just us, me, our son, and him. he turned 39 years old even though he doesn't look anywhere near that age. he looks my age. sometimes he acts my sons age. it's very strange how the mind of a man works. anyway. i cooked one of his favorite meals, a good healthy size new york strip steak, baked potato and rolls. that is his idea of the perfect meal. with me picking the meat and me cooking the steak. not some restaurant. me. so i went to this awesome butcher shop we have just down the street, picked out the meat and came home with it. i marinaded the meat the way that i do. i cooked the steak. i don't even think he told me it was good. i surprised him with an ice cream cake for dessert, it had happy birthday written on top. his eyes lit up with pleasure when he realize it was an ice cream cake. he didn't even say thank you. he opened his gift. oh, this is cool he said. this georgia bulldog banner than was over 60 bucks. it lists the conference championship years on it, neatly stitched. but it's missing 2005. it's a sports collectible. i don't know. i don't even know if the years on there are correct. for all i know they are all a lie. anyway, still no thank you. i did all of this work, i got him this cool thing for his birthday, this piece of georgia bulldog memorabilia, and not once was there a thank you honey this was nice. or a dinner was good honey. nothing. i don't expect much, but good manners would be appreciated. even if it had sucked, the polite thing to do is to say thank you. i said thank you honey, i love it, when he totally bombed and got me nothing anyone with sense would get their wife for christmas. i smiled and pretended it was wonderful because he's my husband and that is what you do. now i do something good, and he doesn't even conjure up a fake thank you. he disappears to his buddy's house for the next two hours and then comes back and wonders why i'm upset. do men's minds really work in such a way that this would be surprising to him? and then i have to have birthday sex with him. this turned out to be a rather painful affair even with the valium the dr. gave me to make it not be painful. at the end of it i felt like total shit and totally worthless. not exactly the feeling one wants in the afterglow of sex. but then, none the less, there it is. so i worked hard all day to gain the feeling that i was worthless and to feel like total shit. and i didn't get to talk to my friend because of it. i left him a note i would be late, but he was gone when i got back on, which sucked cause i could have used someone to talk to by that point.

well something happened with my friend that i talk to here on the internet. he'd said he thought he had feelings for me and things like that, well last night he used the l word and i don't mean the tv show. he just came right out and said i love you kelli. i don't know what to do with that. i feel something for this man but i don't know what. one big problem with b. is that we only live about 2 to 3 hours apart, depending on traffic. it's very feasible we could meet and see each other. see each other fairly regularly if we wanted to. or just from time to time even. but the point is we could see each other. we haven't yet. it would be a lot easier if he lived several states away and there wasn't a chance in hell we would ever see each other, but no. he lives just a few hours away. he says he understands that i don't know how i feel and he doesn't want to push me or anything, but i feel pushed. i felt pushed when i knew he had feelings for me that i might not return. now that i know what those feelings are exactly, i feel as though i am dangling off a cliff by a piece of brush and the roots are coming up out of the dirt. i don't know what i am going to do

i'm not really sure what i want to write about here, so i'm just gonna let it go. my thoughts are rather splintered tonight so if i go off into different tangents, please excuse me. i've had one of those days. i found out the first guy who ever raped me is in jail. i greeted this with mixed feelings. the person in question had been my best friend, my first boyfriend, my first crush, my first almost love. but he raped me when i was 15. i forgave him mostly because i blamed myself for it. i couldn't understand how he could hurt me so it must have been my fault that it had happened. i know now what malarkey that is. he raped me and that is it. so all those years in high school it ate at me, the fear. i stopped having sex for a year. he knew he had done something wrong, he begged me to forgive him. he wouldn't leave me alone really, he was everywhere, in all my classes. before what had been a comfort had become my hell. so in the end i forgave him and he never touched me again unless i told him he could and always with gentleness after that. he had done the ultimate in violence to me and yet he turned into a lamb towards me. but the fear still festered in there. his best friend later grabbed me on my way to another class and pulled me into a dark room on campus and took advantage of the fact i was messed up at school yet again. i drank a lot in school, at school. he managed slight penetration before i could get him off of me but i finally got him off and got away from him. football players and wrestlers- they are big and they can pin you down but good. i went on to be raped again and to be forced to perform oral sex on another guy, one of my dad's buddies actually. it was like i had victim tattooed on my forehead. i seemed to attract these sons of bitches. i had stalkers who would call me at home and would follow me at work. but one time i fought back and it gave me a whole new perspective on things. i had a boyfriend that decided it might be nice to knock the crap out of me. well, he back handed me into a brick wall and all i could do was slide down the wall. but the next time i saw him, i knocked him for a loop. he sang soprano for a while when i got done. i didn't feel like such a victim anymore. so today when i heard about him being in jail, all of this stuff came pouring in on me as me and heather sat talking about it. my husband said it had nothing to do with us, just him , and the court. but i can't help but think no matter what i will be connected to him forever. wherever he goes, whatever he does, there will still be some connection between us because of what happened that night in february. maybe i am wrong. maybe there is no connection at all except for what i am making. but i feel it and doesn't that mean something?
i feel the inklings of depression beginning in the back of my mind and i don't want it to be there. i want to run screaming away and not look back. i like this side of me that isn't depressed. i'm smiling and laughing like i haven't done in several years. i don't want to go back to huddling in the bed and not wanting to get out of it. why can't it go the other way if it has to go any way at all? just a little bit manic wouldn't be too bad, as long as it's not a full blown manic. it could be a lot of fun. i just don't want the depression. i'm not ready for it. i just got rid of it. i'm just now getting better and now i don't want to spoil it with this. anyone out there that feels like praying, pray i don't go back into the dark. i want to stay in the light for just a little while more. i like it out here. the dark is cold and yucky and lonely, it's warm and fun and happy out here in the light. i want to stay. i want to stay. i want to stay.

well, not a lot has changed since my last post. i went to the doctor yesterday and we can't have sex for a few day so now he has become very affectionate towards me. now that i can't expect it to go anywhere. now that i can't expect to have sex at some point at the end of the day, sex that i might actually enjoy. he did do a sweet thing though. he knows how i love candles and pretty candle holders and he found one that was made like a little miniature tiffany lamp and got it for me and brought it home to surprise me. of course, i have no idea what he was doing anywhere near that store. he was gone for about 3 hours to run a 20 minute errand. then came in with a candle holder for me and a model airplane for our son to explain why he was gone for so long. but it doesn't take that long to go to the store. and i know mine just happened to catch his eye, he didn't shop for it, he just doesn't do that. if he did, my christmas wouldn't have been a total fiasco, a joke. the only descent presents i received were gifts i bought to put under the tree from my son and from santa. it was awful. we may have to go back to the tradition of my buying my own gifts and letting him see what they are before i wrap them. i might not even show him. let him be surprised for me. so i don't know what the deal was for today but he did end up doing something nice for me and our son, but he spent the day somewhere else, we don't know where, doing we don't know what. he left to take the garbage to the dump that is less than 5 miles from our house and didn't come back for hours. maybe i'm seeing things that aren't there, i just don't know anymore. he says he loves me. that he just wants to be with me. but then his actions alway say something else entirely. i don't know if i am making a mountain out of a mole hill or if i am seeing even less than what is actually going on because i thought he couldn't do such a thing. i'm just not sure anymore and i am no longer sure i can trust my own instincts on anything anymore. i stay so frazzled and i just got through the depression and a roller coaster ride of a mixed episode with my bipolar disorder. all this could just be my anxiety disorder playing tricks on my mind. i just wish i could understand what is going on in my own head and then maybe i could understand what is going on around me. maybe then i wouldn't be wondering anymore.

i'm trying really hard not to think about the guy that has feelings for me in anyway but as a friend. it's not easy when my husband would rather fall asleep on the couch than come to bed and be with me. usually he doesn't even know if i am in the bed or not, so why be there. i cooked our supper tonight, i cooked one of his favorites,i got a grunted it's good and that was about it. i was told more than once i looked nice today, but he didn't say a word. why should i do more than put on a pair of sweats if he isn't going to pay any attention? what is the point? i sleep in nice lingerie, i shop and buy more that i think might interest him. he doesn't even notice. most of the time around here i feel more like a glorified roommate than i do a wife and companion. sometimes i feel like i might be property, to do as he says, but not his equal. i don't like this feeling. i don't like feeling it towards my husband. he probably doesn't even realize that i feel this way or that anything like this is going through my head. but i can't help it. i want more and i'm not sure if he is prepared to give it to me. i don't know if he even can give it to me. now that the depression is gone, i can look around and see the things around me for what they are, without the hysteria and the paranoia clouding the view. i know everyone thinks that david is a saint, but let's be real. noone is a saint. he's just as human as the rest of us and he has his short comings too. he may be good and wonderful in some areas of our marriage but there are some areas that could use some work and that he tends to neglect and has neglected for the entirety of our marriage. don't get me wrong. i know i'm not perfect either. i've made my mistakes and i have areas that i am not the greatest wife either. i know this. the problem is, he doesn't know he has areas he isn't wonderful in. he thinks he has them all down pat. no problems. our marriage is strong as a rock. i don't have the heart to tell him otherwise. what would i say to him? 'honey, i'm sorry but our marriage sucks.' that would go over like a ton of bricks. i guess i'll just go on as is, not like i'm gonna meet this guy anyway. not like i am actually doing anything wrong, i'm just talking to someone who makes me smile and laugh. maybe things will get better here. i just don't know what else to do.