yesterday was my father's birthday. i could go into how in 1947, hell spit out the very most evil of itself onto the earth to do its bidding, but i don't really feel like going into all of that. he's an all around asshole and jerk that liked to beat his kids, emotionally abuse us and in general make us miserable. this is who raised me to be the fine upstanding person that i am. right. actually the person who raised me is the woman i call momma. my birth mother died when i was 23 months old and my dad remarried 6 months later when i was 2 yrs and 5 months old. she is the only mother i have any memory of and she is the one who raised me. she is the one that protected me from daddy when she could. so in honor of my dad's birthday, here is the poem i wrote about him:

how could he do that?
to his own helpless children.
does he just not know,
he's leaving scars inside them?

he's careful not to
leave any visible marks
They're always hidden
by their beautiful clothing.

they have all they want
except love and security
not a very good trade,
but everyone things he's so good.

they learned very young
to hide reality from all.
what you see outside
is rarely the whole picture.

my friend, clint, got his biopsy results back a few days ago. it wasn't good. the doctors were not pleased with what they found so they want to do two more surgeries on him just to verify what they found in the biopsy. i'm not sure that the lungs are the only thing that are going bad on him. he seems to forget that has talked to you at all. so anyone out there that has the time and inclination, a thought or a little prayer for clint would be appreciated. thanks! kelli

lets see, what to write. i've been having some problems with the pharmacy for the last week, with the whole new medicare drug card thing. i already had one prescription drug coverage and this gave me two so that what one didn't cover, the other would pick up, saving me several hundred dollars per month. i checked with the pharmacy i use and they had told me it would be no problem, they had the software to file primary and secondary insurances. i made sure with medicare that i would be able to use both insurances, that there wouldn't be some rule against it. medicare is my primary insurance because of the number of employees at my husbands' workplace. apparently if there are fewer than 100, then they don't have to be primary. anyway, so that is how it worked out. so, the pharmacy had to do my medications i always get filled at the beginning of every month, but they fouled up the insurance to the point that i don't know if they will ever fix it again. i don't know if they haven't fixed it because they haven't had time or if they really have tried and haven't been able to. i'm not sure. all i know is they have made it all very complicated for me. fortunately i hate taking my pain medications and i don't take them as frequently as i should because i would have been out days ago if i hadn't i would have run out days ago. as it is, i was alright and i now have my medications while they figure out my insurance stuff.
another thing that has happened was i was suppose to have received a delivery of a package two days ago but it never came. supposedly the package was left on the front porch but there has been no sign of it in the two days since it was supposedly left. maybe i should just resign myself to the fact that i am going to have problems when i order things or try to save money by having extra insurance on myself.

the sun shines down on
the wonder that is his face
eyes full of sparkle
his smile lighting up the world

has there ever been
a more wonderous being
so sweet and so pure
and oh so vulnerable

i must protect him
from all the bad things i see'
all the cruelties
all the suffering and pain.

hopefully one day
he will make a difference
help make a new world
one without today's horrors

he is the real key
and the millions just like him
the future is theirs
i hope it's better than ours.

last night i had a very long cry and i couldn't really figure out why. today, i realized how stupid my little worries really are. i may be miserable and unhappy, but i am alive, i'm not dying, nothing wrong with me is terminal. i have a friend who cannot say the same and i talked to him today. he actually wanted me to cheer him up and i found myself at a loss as to how to do that. as i listened to him cough and he gave me hell about what i had been doing today (one of his favorite things to do) i felt so small and petty. tomorrow he gets the results from a biopsy of his lung to find out how far things have gone and he is scared. he actually admits that he is scared, even though i can hear it in his voice, in every word he speaks. a grown man admitting to his fear is a moving thing. not something you hear every day that's for sure. so my hat goes off to my friend, he is a much stronger and better person than i am. i hope his test comes out alright tomorrow and we will not lose him any time soon.