i hope every one out there has a wonderful christmas day and enjoys the rest of their holidays. merry christmas to everyone!

my baby boy, my precocious rileybug got his itbs scores back. he hit the ball out of the ball park! he did so good! the only area he did about where he is suppose to be is in one part out of three in the math area he scored just a smidge ahead of where he should be for 4th grade. in some areas on that test, he scored on like a 9th grade, mid year level. can you believe that? he was scoring on 7th grade levels, 8th grade levels. of course there were a couple of 5th and 6th grade levels in there too, which were also really good, but those couple of 9th grade level scores blew my mind. one of them was in science. his science score put him on a 9th grade, 4th month level. he also got his progress report today and his grades were great. his teacher was right, his last grades suffered because he wasn't turning in his work. his social studies teacher said he needs to pay more attention in class, but he made a 97 in the class. in all his classes they said he was drawing and stuff in class, but his grades are good. i really think he's bored. when i was his age, i was in special classes for kids with above average intelligence. i think i'm gonna see if we can arrange that for him. it did me a lot of good to be in those classes. i was nowhere near as bored as i was in regular classes and i had much more freedom to express myself and my creative side. i really would like to see what his i.q. is. of course, if it happens to be higher than mine, i won't tell him. but, if it's lower than mine, i can definitely use that to my advantage. i don't know about now, but when i was being tested for the special classes, you were required to have a minimum i.q. score to get into the class. i hope that is still the way it is now. otherwise, almost anyone could get into the class. my class, we all knew we had i.q.'s of a certain level, probably higher than most of our teachers. it helps to know that if other kids bother you because you do get to go to the special classes. if they try to make out it's a special class in the other direction. my i.q. hasn't really done me any favors, but that's my fault. i haven't chosen to apply it towards anything except some poems i've had published. riley has the chance to do great things, and the support network i never had. i'm so proud of him. it really would be amazing if he passed me on i.q. that would blow my mind. at his age now, i was at 147. it's higher than that now, but at 9 that is what it was. i guess, hopefully, we will see.

the last little bit has been particularly traumtic for me. there have been so many things happening, not many of them good. i guess it started when the doc told me to avoid all the stress i could and to remain as calm as possible. well that went fairly well for a bit. then someone who had at least pretended to be my friend took a bunch of assumptions and i won't even say what they were, just assumed a lot of incorrect information, thinking that i knew things when in fact i did not, also assumed that i had a rather immature humour, which i do not. i'm sorry, but talking about bodily functions and private body parts, just to name a few, i do not find humorous. i just do not. i am much more cerebral than that. while they may choose to call me ignorant because i tend to type in a free form, without capitalizing my letters, because i just choose not to bother to waste my time, and other things when in fact i am being sarcastic and not literal, well that is their choice. the bottom line is, this person started harrassing me because she did not like something that i said, a good bit of it was just kidding around, but she took it serious, then she took parts that were serious as me using childish humor. it's really a confusing mess. basically what it ended up as, i wrote an apology for any misunderstanding that might have occurred and expressed the fact that the message i had been sent on a public forum had hurt my feelings and i would have prefered to have been asked to the side about it instead of having a crude, vulgar message left. anyway, another snide message was left in response, so i again left a message in response to what had been said to me basically telling this person to think whatever they would, i couldn't stop them. i had attempted an apology, that had not been good enough and i was done. from there more messages came into me. i admit i never should have responded, but i felt i was in the right and my anger was piqued. so, i responded to what had been sent to me. now realize, after my apology, a blog was written about me, calling me foul names and sent out over the net, this is why my anger was piqued. i've never taken well to false accusations against me, or anytype of rumour spreading about me. the whole action screamed of high school. so basically i told the people that they needed to stop smearing my name over the net, that i had done nothing wrong, the accusations being leveled against me were false, i did not deserve it. after the buffer left, the person drew out her full claws and actually wished that i had cancer and said other things regarding my child. so many were sent, i couldn't respond to them at once, they had to each be responded to seperately. i finally received a message from someone else and i responded to them saying i wished to be left alone, for them to stop writing about me, not to talk about me, to just leave me alone. this did not work. i was fine and pretty much forgot about it for several days, the weekend passed and then on monday, i found out that this person was having one of her friends do research on me for some unknown reason. so, i decided to get my side out into a blog on my page on that blog site. each time i responded to this person, she said i was stalking her, but the whole time, it was in actuallity her harrassing me. i said the whole time if i were actually stalking her or harrassing her, we are on other blog sites together, i could be sending her messages there, or anything else, but i did none of that. i just ignored her. i guess i should explain the time line. this all started about thursday or so before halloween. from the get go she said she was going public with everything and couldn't wait, so i knew she was gonna find some way to twist things, i figured she would leave out the 3 blogs she wrote about me on the initial day it started, while she kept sending me messages. my only sin was to respond to the insanity and the abuse that was being spewed at me. so, for the first time, i listened to see if she would really go public and she did. of course, she played off like she had struggled with the decision on if she would do it or not, me knowing she had intended to from the get go, and proceeded to spend well over half of her time dedicated to little ole me, most of which, even the parts that were true, had been so twisted and distorted, i could barely recognize them for truth. everything that had ever been said or done, she had put her own spin on it to make it into things that never were. she took the concern i had for my son's nephew because they had him on the wrong psychotoropic medications into me hating the child. if i hated him, i certainly would not have been concerned about his medications and any possible damage they might do to him. the only resentments about things that have happened in the past are firmly on the shoulders they belong on, the adult who caused the situation, but at the same time a bully is a bully and i do fear for my child around another kid who has the violent tendencies this child has. his history of stabbing another child with a pencil, beating the crap out of teachers and other students, does make me concerned about my son given that they are wholey unsupervised in that environment. there are knives there and i would rather not have my son be the one stabbed with the knife because they do not have him on the proper medication to control his condition. she also drug my child into it saying he is a fat ugly nerdy child, which nothing could be further from the truth. almost everywhere we go, all i hear is about what a handsome boy he is, how beautiful his eyes are, and how much trouble i'm gonna have in a few years. i think there are some pictures of him in my gallery. take a look. just because he wasn't so skinny all of his bones poked out from the medications stunting his appetite to the point he wouldn't eat anything and he isn't severely behind on the growth chart for the same reason, does not a fat ugly nerdy kid make. anyway. i can't even get into all of the things that were said, but the high lights were, i'm not disabled at all. the only reason i have trouble walking at all is because i just don't get up and do it. so i guess the orthopedic doctors, the doctor who specializes in nerve damage, my pain clinic doctor, my lawyer, a judge, the federal government, and basically everyone is wrong. they know better. i have a special parking permit for no reason. i am on morphine pills and my doctor wants to almost double the amount i take to try to give me better pain relief for no reason, they give those out like candy. maybe where they live, but not here where i live they don't. it is severely regulated. on top of that, you have the bipolar disorder with the anxiety and ptsd. i guess those are fictional as well. again, all the psychiatrists, the governments psychiatrist, everyone is wrong, just because she was a psychology major who seems to have no knowledge of bipolar at all and even referred to it as being multiple personality disorder, something totally different. thinking maybe she didn't finish that degree. oh, and the interstitial cystitis, which all by it's lonesome is enough to have me considered disabled. so, i guess she was wrong on all counts for that one. also, quoted me as saying i was gonna kill myself as soon as my son turned 21. well, i have NEVER, EVER said that. what i have said is that bipolar disorder presents itself by the age of 30, everyone get that? THREE-ZERO, 30. that IF, and that is a very large if, my son does not end up bipolar, after that, i am free to do as i please. if i wish to kill myself after that,i can. i do not guarantee i will, only that if i choose to, i can. BUT, if he does end up with bipolar disorder, i will be with him until whatever life has in store for me because i will not have him go through it alone as i did. the person i inherited it from, died before i turned 2, so i had noone who knew what i was going through. that will not happen to my baby. so, those are a lot of ifs. i was also advised that i should go ahead, kill myself now, so my son won't remember my middle name and i'll do him less harm than if i do it later on in his life. basically encouraging me to take my life. isn't that dangerous to do that? if you have suicidal people listening and you just advised people to go ahead and kill themselves, wouldn't you be liable or something, for their deaths? but anyway, it went on about how there were people who should be allowed to live and other who shouldn't and i was one who just shouldn't be allowed to live. that i am a danger to every child i happen to be in contact with...which is bullshit. kids love me and i love kids. my house is the one all the kids in the neighborhood like to come to because i am the coolest, hottest mom in the neighborhood. i am not a lesbian. i experimented when i was in my early 20's before i met my husband, but it just wasn't for me. i prefer men. they just have that one thing that women just can't ever get and i don't see how any toy on the face of the planet can replace it and be the same. i'm not sure what the other accusations were. one was that i am a liar. well, yeah, i do tell an occassional white lie. i tell my son there is a santa clause, i might tell my husband i had an orgasm when i didn't. i might even tell my friend that the new hair color they love so much looks good on them even if i don't care for it. but i don't pretend to be what i am not. i am upfront about what i am or who i am. i am what you see. i may have some hidden depths, but who does not? if we didn't we would all be very shallow people. i do not particularly try to hide anything from anyone. pretty much if someone wants to know something about me, i tell them. if i am ashamed of something i have done, i shouldn't have done it to begin with. it's the way i look at it.
i can't remember much more right now, my brain is too groggy and to be honest, i just don't really care. i've been ignoring this person and the more i ignore her the weirder she gets, she has sent invitations to a number of friends on my list to try to get them to come be her friend and when they turned her down, she sent repeated ones. i can't prove it but, since this started my email went from no bulk mail to suddenly i get 30 or more a day and i have signed up for nothing. also someone somehow accessed my page, i have no clue how they figured out my password, but they did and added some stuff to my page including a very large skull and crossbones. very strange. so the stress from all of this, the upset it caused me, caused my stomach ulcer, which has laid domrmant since my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. so, except for this just to get it off of my chest, i am ignoring everything to do with this person, and even in this i am not even mentioning the person's name. i let this make me physically ill. when my ulcer acted up. i want to be clear here. i am not writing this to irritate anyone, to get back at anyone, or as they will twist it around to fit their obsession, to stalk anyone. i do hope that maybe someone out there who ever finds themself in a similar situation might learn from my mistakes. just don't respond to the insanity. no matter how they provoke you, just keep ignoring them. that is the best advice i can give.

i totally am at the edge of just giving up. i had to have two more shots in my back today to try to calm down the flare up i've been having. oh what fun. when the doc was examining me, i almost jumped off the table he was hurting me so bad. next week, i get to go talk to the urologist about the fact that i'm still having a good deal of pain in the area of my bladder and sex is still somewhat uncomfortable. what an enjoyable conversation that will be. and apparently, i'm a very bitter woman, according to my oldest friend, because i'm not running into my father's arms filled with sympathy for him because i found out he has prostate cancer. it's not as if i would wish him sick or anything, but when he was treating all of his kids like shit and doing us dirty and alienating us all, i foretold that someday he would be sick and just maybe he might wish he hadn't done that. now, i don't know if he is regretting his actions towards us or not. as far as i know, he has no use for us, he has never had any use for us, and he never will. he has not called me, admittedly i have not given him my phone number, but i am listed so all he has to do is dial 411. i tried to have a better relationship with him and his devil wife tried to take my child away from me for my efforts, with him looking on from the sidelines, not trying to stop her, for all i know he was in on the play. on top of all of this, i just don't believe it is all that serious. they apparently found it a couple of months ago and they aren't doing the surgery until next month. on top of that, they are not following up with any kind of chemo or anything. so, apparently they think they will be able to get it all with the surgical procedure and that it hasn't spread anywhere else. so he is sick and has to have surgery. ok. well, i've been sick a lot over the last decade and i've been hospitalized and operated on repeatedly in that time and he hasn't been there for me through any of it. not when they told me i had cancer, or any of the other times. so if that makes me bitter, i guess i am. i just have no use for someone who has no use for me and doesn't want me around. i don't even really hate him so much anymore as i just don't feel much of anything for him. he's someone who tortured me, abused me, talked to me like i was worse than the lowest animal. i think i've made progress that i don't actually hate him anymore.
to top all of this wonderful stuff off, my son has decided to become a teenager at age 9. he has the attitude down pat. of course, he's been telling me since he was about 4 or so that i can't tell him what to do because it is a free country. but now, it has gotten so much worse. his grades, which have always been excellent, have started to drop, apparently because of two new pals he has that he goofs off with instead of doing work. he doesn't turn in his work, i don't know if he just forgets or if he doesn't do it. he refuses to clean his room, which is so bad, you can't even walk in it. he lies almost everytime he opens his mouth. i just don't know what to do about him. maybe we should start spanking him more often. he has rarely been spanked in his life, it's always been me grounding him and it just doesn't seem to work. this weekend he came up with this big elaborate theory to piss me off. he decided that i had kidnapped him from his real parents and that i was not his real mother. so, everytime he would ask me for something, i told him to go ask his real mother.
so that is what it has been like around here. lots of back pain, stomach pain,and pains in the ass. is it any wonder that i want to know what the fuck is going on? isn't it time for me to get a break already? i mean, i'm thinking i must have done something pretty bad in some past life to have this life i have now. not horribly bad, because there are some good things in my life, but pretty bad.
i hope everyone is doing alright and that all is well in their worlds. take care and i'll try to do this again soon.

well, since the last time i posted, my computer died and i had my surgery. it took forever to get the computer fixed, apparently, and i am still healing from the surgery, but everything is going well i think. i still have some pain, but it could be worse. they did the biopsies and stuff and they came back good, so i don't have cancer. that was really good news. the only little downer was that on top of the interstitial cystitis, i also have chronic inflammation inside my bladder. so it will always bother me to some degree over and beyond the normal i.c. but they took care of the ulcerations and hopefully they won't come back. i'm not going to bet the farm they won't. everything the doc tells me is how all this stuff is perfectly normal for women over 50, which just really makes me want to take an uzi or something equally violent to the man. i keep pointing out to him that i am very far from 50 years old but he rarely acknowledges it. it just seems to me that what is normal for a 50 year old might not necessarily be normal for a 32 year old. am i crazy or does that make sense? he tells my i have a cyst on a kidney but it's normal for a 50 year old and it's benign. well, how does he know it's benign with out looking at it more thouroughly than with an ultra sound that just shows you light and dark grey blobs and exactly how can he say it is normal when i am not 50? i mean if i were 50 or older and he told me it was normal i probably wouldn't be so worried, but since i'm not and i have this cyst and i'm looking at a long family history of people dropping dead of one cancer or another or surviving one cancer or another on a few occassions, and i can't help but wonder why is this guy not looking at this blob that has formed on my kidney given the degree of problems i have had with my urinary tract since i was 16 years old. that is half of my life! 16 years it has been going on where i have been struggling with these attacks every few months at least ! and now they cannot be bothered to check on this cyst but they can do surgery on me because they suddenly discover that these attacks also include a fair amount of blood a good amount of the time. suddenly the pressence of blood made it a more urgent problem, in my bladder. but what about the cyst on the kidney??? i'm not going to get any answers any time soon, i see that, it is just so damn frustrating. i mean how would you like something that puts you down for the count basically for days and days at a time that happens multiple times a year for half of your life? it causes pain, discomfort, burning, an inability to control your own body, and even after you take care of it, it takes weeks and weeks for your body to get back to normal, to where you don't have to run from your bed to the bathroom ten foot from the bed in order to try to keep from wetting yourself because the bladder is too weak to control itself. it's humiliating. to be honest it's humiliating talking about it, but you know, who is gonna read this that knows me? that i will see at pta or at the spring fling at my sons school? so why not be honest, someone else out there might have the same problem and be suffering in silence. one of the worst things that ever happened during an attack, at least as far as embarrassment goes, once, i was sleeping and in the dream i got up and went to the bathroom. i thought i was really in the bathroom, i quickly realized i wasn't, but the damage was done by then. i had not wet my bed since i was a child running an extremely high fever and unable to get out of bed. before that, i was never a bedwetter. it would have been unacceptable and would have been what was considered a capital offense in my house. i never did it again after that illness either. until this extremely bad infection. i was so embarrassed. that is what the problem with these diseases do. people who have problems with their urinary tract, or men who have problems with their prostate and deal with the variety of symptoms that can cause, including urinary problems, are often too embarrassed by the fact that they have accidents or that maybe they leak, or whatever their specific symptoms are. some may even confuse the burning with a venereal disease or something. who knows what goes through people's minds. all i know is there is a stigma and a degree of shame that a lot of people feel that keep them from getting help. i saw my grandfather die because he was too proud to admit anything was wrong, that he had any discomfort or pain. they say his cancer started in his prostate, but by the time he finally gave in to the fact that he was in a rapid decline, it was too late, the cancer had spread to his lungs, his bones, everywhere. you would have been pressed to find somewhere in him that was cancer free. that is what pride and an inability to admit when something is off with your body will get you if you are not careful. i loved my granddaddy, pride and all, but i would have loved to have him around a whole lot longer. i would have loved for him to see my son born and get to know him and for my son to know him. he was one of the few good men i have ever known. he was one of the best men i have ever known and he might still be with me if he had gotten help to start with instead of being stubbourn and insisting he was fine. maybe someone will learn from this. one in three men develop prostate problems i think. that is a lot. if nothing else makes you want to keep your prostate healthy guys, it can effect your sexual performance. lord knows you don't want a reputation for not being able to keep it up. isn't that excuse enough to get it checked? even a mild infection can cause a major problem like that. think about it guys. women, tell your guys about it. put the fear into them.
sorry, i didn't mean for this to turn into like a public service announcement. i was just getting some stuff off my mind. i guess because most guys also think this is a problem that only effects older guys, but it doesn't. monday when i went in for a post op treatment, there was a guy there probably younger than me, damn good looking, and he was there to be treated. actually i would say he was definitely younger than me. probably mid twenties. if he and i don't prove that it's not safe to assume you are safe until you hit middle age, i don't know what to tell you. there are others like us. you just have to look. take the time to look, that is all.