well, i feel like i am beating a dead horse. i mean, once it is dead, what more can you do to it, beating it does nothing more to it. i talked to my cousin robin today, i just adore him. i swore when i was like 4 and he was 15 that i was gonna marry him when i grew up. which, technically i could since we aren't first cousins, but eww. once i got old enough to understand,i got over that idea fast. anyway, i still adore him and i can usually talk to him about just about anything. i found myself crying while i was talking to him and trying to keep him from hearing the tears in my voice. i don't know how well i did at hiding the fact that i was crying. he suggested that i come up to visit him for a couple of days just to get away from it all and just have a rousing good time with him. in other words, drink myself silly. i have to admit, lately i have been thinking that i felt a lot better and seemed much happier when i was drinking and partying all the time. when i stayed drunk and fucked up all the time, i didn't feel all the things that i feel now. i kept myself numb i guess, so that the pain of everything didn't usually get in. now i admit freely that i did have a few crying drunks. but generally i was a very happy, fun drunk. occasionally i might have been a little bit too amorous, but i was always a good time to be around when i was drinking. i wasn't a mean drunk, i didn't get violent when i drank. now,i don't drink at all, i don't, as the doctors put it, self medicate anymore. but i seemed to be doing better when i self medicated than i am doing with their medications. go figure. so instead i sit here depressed and getting more depressed, thus beating the dead horse. i'm also beating myself up because i blame myself for part of my family's financial difficulties. a large part of them. if i could still work, i would be bringing much more money into the household than what my disability check is each month, we have to spend too much money a month on my medications, and now we have to buy me another car which we can ill afford because i have to have a way to get to my dr. appts. of course, i also need a car in case something happens with riley and he needs to be taken to the dr or something. but that doesn't happen usually. he is not prone to accidents or illness. so here i am, a total drain on my family. all i contribute to it is that i get riley on the bus in the mornings and i'm a body to be there when he gets off the bus in the afternoons. i cook supper sometimes. whoopdie doo. i have not been able to pick up my child since he was about 3 1/2 or so. maybe he was 4. either way, it's not right. i'm a failure as a mother. he deserves so much better. i know that noone else could ever love him like i do or ever take my place with him. but he deserves someone who can be an entire mother to him. i wish i could be that for him. david deserves an entire wife, and he doesn't have that either. instead they are stuck with me. i know that they love me very much. and i love them, they are what keeps me here and keep me from throwing in the towel on life. so i guess i will keep on beating the dead horse. adding insult to injury by heaping on more troubles to my overloaded mind.
i hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week.

i'm sure everyone is getting pretty damn sick of hearing about how depressed i am and how miserable i find my life has become. i know i am tired of experiencing it so everyone must be tired of hearing about it. i'll just say that nothing much has changed on has changed on that end and leave it at that. not much point in digging it all up again for display.
my friend heather came by yesterday. it was the first time we had seen each other in almost 2 years. i live in the northern part of the state and she lives in the southern part of it. we talk on the phone all the time, but we don't get to see each other much. she brought her four year old son with her. it was very nice getting to see her. it was her first time seeing my new house and she loved it. that made me feel a little bit nice about things. that was a nice change of pace for once.
anyway, hope everyone has a nice week and that everyone enjoyed their weekend.

my world has been in a bipolar downward spiral for a while now, frankly it seems like rock bottom can't be far away.  in the last couple of weeks life has chosen to screw with my downward spiral even more.  my mom, who i love dearly, has been having some health problems that involve her heart.  we can't seem to find out what is going on with that.  my son fell off a trampoline , doing a header into a bunch of rocks and busting his head open in three places.  the doctor at the hospital chose to only sew up two of the three places because one of them is in his hair so if it scars badly, it will be covered by his hair.  he got 8 stitches, and thinks it is the coolest thing in the world.  took ten years off of me though.  my car tore up and may possibly have a blown motor, we can't afford a new car for me.  at all.  on top of all of this, every bill we have has gone up in the last two weeks, including our FIXED RATE mortgage by over a hundred dollars a month.  so an already bad situation has been made worse.  i think i can reach out and feel the shrarp edges of the rocks that make up rock bottom.  i'm right there and i don't know what i can do to cushion the fall or to even prevent it at this stage.  i tried to talk to david about it, i explained that i had been feeling depressed for a while now and that all of this stuff with momma and then all of this other stuff started piling onto me and that i didn't feel that i could take anymore.   his response was to tell me to trust him  and to let him worry about all the stuff going on.  that does not take care of the fact that i was becoming almost suicidally depressed before all of this stuff started.  but if i don't act like everything is alright, david will feel that i do not trust him, when that is not at all the case.  i'm just depressed.  all the rest is making me anxious and even more depressed.  i  can't control that.  it just works out that way.  telling me not to worry is like telling me to not breath.  also, my mother in law informed me that the demon spawn, my sister in law's son, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  that kid is as much bipolar as i am schitzophrenic.  they based this diagnosis on the fact that he knows the difference between right and  wrong, knows there are consequences, and just does not care.  sounds  more like a sociopath to me.  so when this kid, and yes, this will happen, goes on his killing spree, it will be announced to the world that this bipolar teen/man has gone on killing spree, unless they get his diagnosis correct.  i'm not even convinced he has a mental disorder, he could just be plain old fashioned mean.  he hits his teachers, he terrorizes the other students, he stabbed another student with a pencil, i'm still not sure why the parents of that child did not file assault charges against him so that he would be in juvenile hall instead of back at school ready to attack another child.  he will be repeating the third grade because his grades are so bad.  that is another thing... bipolar people are generally very bright, intelligent, and creative people and so are their children.  he is not bright, intelligent, or creative.  he is a bully.  he is cruel, vicious, and violent.  he is not bipolar.  he is a sociopath or a psychopath or just plain old mean.  i've never seen him manic or depressed.  those are the major factors of bipolar disorder.  you cannot have bipolar disorder without the depression and the mania.  he has never displayed signs of either.  frustration, yes.  anger, yes.  hostility, yes.  i know what being a bipolar child was like.  i did not behave like that.  i know everyone is different, but come on.  the same exact disease, you have a set of symptoms to go by in order to reach a diagnosis.  there is nothing similar about me as a child and this kid as a child.   nothing.  there should at least be similarities.  there is nothing.  he is not bipolar.. i refuse to share a mental health disorder with that freak of a human being.  i knew when he was a small child that there was something seriously wrong with him but noone would listen to me.. i guess i have been proved right now.  i just hope i am nowhere nearby when he goes on the killing spree that he will be going on.  the only question is, is will it happen when he is a teenager or will it happen sometime after he reaches adulthood. 

i've been wondering lately, what if i were to go back to the place, if something were to happen to me, if i were to fall off the face of the planet.  how many people would actually notice or care.  i've come to a degradingly low number of people.  if not for my husband and my son, i think my cats would probably make a feast of me before my body would be found if i were to die alone in my home.  if i were to simply take off, noone would notice except, again my husband and son.  they alone might actually miss me if i were to simply disappear off the face of the planet.  and as for going back to the place as we affectionately call it, i don't think even my husband and son would care if i went back there.  i would simply be gone for a while.  my family might miss me a little bit but they would not feel my loss that much.  my wider family, would not notice at all.  my friend heather might notice that she can't get through to me, a few other people might wonder at the long absence of contact but not think much else of it.  i might as well be an invisible person.  what close friends i had, have moved away so i do not see or talk to them as much.  so what is the point?  even on here if i go a long time without writing, would anyone really take that much of a notice of it?  i remember when john didn't write for a good while, everyone going to his site was worried and said so.  i doubt such would happen here.  i don't touch people's lives, i don't brighten their days, i don't mean anything to them.  i can write about my bipolar experiences, but i doubt i am helping anyone through their own experiences with it.  when i set out to write this i thought i would write about the things that i think about and how i felt and it would help me keep up with how i am dealing with my bipolar and that maybe someone out there with bipolar would read it and it would help them to realize that they are not alone in it.  i was so alone with my mental illness all my life.  i've dealt with it since i was a child and i didn't want someone out there to feel alone as i did.  but i think i have failed in all parts of my mission.  at times i hold back what i am thinking about,  i don't always put how i feel about things in here because sometimes it is just to raw to put into words, i haven't been keeping up with how my bipolar is doing and how i am dealing with it, i just know it isn't doing so well right now, and i don't think i have helped a single person out there.  i've totally failed at what i meant to do with this blog.  the only thing that has happened that it started out to be is it has become something of a refuge for me, a place to put down thoughts that i couldn't put down anywhere else.  some people on here might miss me for a while if i were to disappear, but let's face it, i didn't even put a wrinkle in the stream.  i'm not saying i'm going to disappear, don't get me wrong.  i'm just saying what if.  it's not a nice game for me to play.  maybe i shouldn't play it when i am depressed and down.  but it shouldn't particularly change the outcome on who would care and who wouldn't.

I hope that everyone out there had a happy Easter. We had a nice family cook out with my mom and my sister with her kids and then the children hunted easter eggs. And, believe it or not, we had actual boiled eggs, instead of plastic eggs. There were some plastic eggs, but the majority of the eggs, 33, were boiled. My son found the prize egg, which contained $5 in change along with a bunch of hershey's kisses. Everyone seemed to have a good time and my hamburgers seemed to be a hit. I do my own special mojo to them. It was one of the most relaxed Easters I can recall in a long time. So, I hope everyone out in the blogging world had a wonderful Easter. in all my battles with my bipolar lately, it was nice to celebrate a day that represented life, a life after death, however you want to look at it. but to me it represents life.