well, today i got to go visit my psychiatrist. it kinda irritated me somewhat that i got there about 15 minutes early for my appointment and yet, people who came in well after me, were seen before me and i had to wait for over an hour to be seen. i mean come on. it isn't as if he sits and talks to you about your problems and helps you with your angst. he wants to know how the medicine is effecting you and if there needs to be any adjustments made to it, which he seems to need to do every month. this time he actually gave me enough refills that unless something comes up, i don't have to go back for 3 whole months. isn't that just too awesome? one less monthly visit to mark off the list. now my shrink is a very odd man. he has me on wellbutrin, which is like the only anti depressant that i've ever heard of that actually can increase your sex drive. it doesn't repress it at all. when he told me this all these months ago, i made some comment to the effect that i didn't know if my husband would keep up with me and he laughingly tells me if he can't to give him a call and he will help me out. i didn't take him seriously because if i did it would make me seriously uncomfortable with the man and to be honest, there aren't any other doctors really in this area to choose from for me to go to. i'd have to make a long car drive to get to any other shrink available and i'm just not up for that on a regular basis. he hasn't really said anything else like that since then, so i think i was right to assume it was a joke. it would be very conceited of me to assume every time a guy says something like that to me that he is hitting on me. i mean, guys do joke around. what they think is funny might not be what we think of as being hilarious but, hey, they try. they do have that y chromosome thing holding them back sometimes. no offense guys. i think sometimes guys actually hit on women and don't even know they did it, it comes so naturally to them. wow, i guess going to the shrink makes me think i'm one too now. i have thought about going on back to school to become a therapist. i've been told by too many therapists that i can help people with what i have been through. so why not get paid for it too? of course those same therapists saying that kinda pissed me off because they were getting paid a lot of money to help me and they wanted me to help every one else. i was like, what about me? who is gonna help me? that was why i was there after all. they were getting paid thousands of dollars per day while i was on both in and out patient treatment at that hospital. yet they were more worried about me helping others. don't get me wrong, i know this sounds bad. i do not mind helping others. i generally go out of my way to help other people, will give someone my last dollar if they need it. but when i'm in a mental institute for repeatedly trying to kill myself and my world is falling apart, i kinda want some help myself. considering what they were being paid i don't think that was so much to ask. instead i had one doctor almost kill me because he decided i was a drug addict when i wasn't and put a patch on me to make my blood pressure go down to counteract the high blood pressure you get with withdrawals. since i never had withdrawals, my blood pressure never went up, so it bottomed out my blood pressure and layed me out unconscious with barely even a pulse. add onto that i'm allergic to adhesives so the patch should never have been on my body to begin with. and to make matters worse, he wouldn't give me anything but a tylenol for my back problems, no muscle relaxer, no pain reliever. nothing. because i was supposedly a drug addict. i didn't see him for three days after he put me into the hospital, by the time he saw me next, i had the paperwork filed to have me transferred to a doctor that was also a neurologist. that way he would know what was going on with me. he ordered me something for pain asap and we got along fine after that, i was no longer considered a drug addict. told that first shrink off though. he wanted to know why i wanted to be transferred. told him everything that was wrong with me when i walked in the doors was worse thanks to his lack of care, my depression, my back, my stomach, my muscles. all worse. because of him. i was not pleasant at all.
so this shrink is definitely better than that one was. he does listen to me some. oh well. i guess i am done with my rant about the shrink for the night. if i don't write tomorrow, everyone have a good weekend!

lately i have been feeling a little bit manic. not a full fledged, all out, hair on fire, manic. but a little bit of the manic that i have come to both love and fear. as a single person out in the world i could say that my manic times were some of the funnest times i ever had, what i can remember of them anyway. as a married person, my manic times have almost ended my marriage and put total upheaval into my sons life, which is something i wish to avoid. i want my sons life to have as much peace and tranquility as i can possibly provide him. that i think is part of my job as his parent. if his father and i fought regularly and loudly, i would feel it is my job to save him from that. whatever it takes. so now i am having my little hypomanic episode, for the layman that is like a mild version of a manic episode. my mind spins wildly and i want to go and do things that at some points thankfully my body can no longer do. that is one thing that has helped keep my disease in check for years. when i go manic, my body just can't do the things it wants to do anymore. i guess that is one benefit of having your body completely fall apart on you. you would not believe how much help it has been just to be able to keep myself from not being able to go do things my mind tells me it wants to do. because my mind isn't going to say," no. i don't think you should do that", it good to have a body that protects you from yourself. it's great until you start figuring in all the pain and the anguish of daily existence in that body that keeps you from being able to do those things. i'm glad i can't do the things but i wish there was a better way for me to behave myself than for my body to be broken. it wasn't an issue until the insurance company changed the dosage of my medication. yes, i said the insurance company, not my doctor. they cut my dosage in half. and now i am having a semi manic episode. imagine that. whoever would have thought something like that would happen when they started messing with my medications? i never would have. would you?

hello everyone!  i haven't made a post in a while.  i've been sick with a cold all week and on top of that, everytime i came on to catch up on reading the blogs i like and possibly do a post of my own, i got bombarded by people wanting to know where i had been and what was wrong.  i've just had a cold and that is all.  right now i am stealing time from family time since the family has deserted me.  riley has gone off with one of his friends and david has gone to the home improvement store to try to bankrupt us.  so i am home alone and the house is quiet.  it's lovely.

me and david have been at odds with each other this week about riley and who he should play with.  he has a cousin who recently stabbed a boy at school with a pencil.  this was not anywhere near the first violent outburst made by the child, it has been going on since they were toddlers.  my argument is that if it were any other child in his class, there would be no argument about it.  my husband would be right there with me wanting this child kept away from our son.  but because they happen to be cousins and on my husband's side, of course, the fact that this child has violent tendencies, has struck and done harm to multiple children and teachers, should not come into the decision making process on if they should be able to play together regularly.  i know i cannot prevent holidays and things like that.  but just taking him over there to hang out with this kid, i think i should be able to put my foot down and say, no!  i will not do it.  he has access to knives there.  and riley being his cousin does not protect him.  as a matter of fact, they tend to ignore when he does something to riley.  why not let him use riley for practice for his stabbing techniques.  and  you have to realize, these children are both 8 years old!  this kid is doing these things and he is only 8.  most of the teachers refuse to have him in their class room.  my sister in law has searched for a military school for him, but there isn't one she can find that accepts third graders.  maybe i am wrong in this.  if i am , please tell me.  if it was your child, what would you do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

the picture won't show up so just go to the gallery and you can see the pictures of my sweet angel when he was little and more recently. would you want him used for stabbing practice?

i found this and thought it would be cute, let's see if the pictures will work here.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?



1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


4. Rottweiler: Make me.


5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."


12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:


"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!


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well never mind about the pictures then because they obviously didn't work. beginning to wonder if there is such a place that they will work. anyway, it's still cute, hope you enjoy it. it was sent to me by one of my friends who moved away.
kelli

i've noticed somewhere in time's passage that my dreams have slowly stopped. where once i had vivid lifelike dreams of the present and the future mixed in with the memories of the past, there are now occasional ungraspable images that flash through but cannot be held onto. i don't recall what they are if they come or if they even come now. is that what happens in limbo? do your dreams cease to exist and no longer form in you?
I didn't sleep last night to have dreams,a common enough problem that i have. instead i analyze the diseases that systematically are destroying my mind and for my morning entertainment, it's the diseases that are effecting my body so much. yet another day in limbo. all this makes me think about time and how it has passed me by when i wasn't looking, when i was too busy to notice what was happening around me. i was taking care of other things and didn't notice that my life had left sometime ago. a word of warning for all those others, watch what is happening around you because before you know what has happened, tick tock tick tock, it's too late, things have passed you by and you can't undo what has been done. sometimes decisions made must effect those for the future so you can't just pick up where you left off and go back and do what you forgot or just start back up again. life just isn't that way sometimes. i probably sound older than dirt but i'm not,i'm barely out of my twenties. but i have learned these lessons the hard way. time goes by and it really will leave you behind. in my case, it wasn't just time but nature that turned against me but time is as much the guilty party...mother nature just sped up her natural course with me. i have a few things she let take their natural course and i would have no matter what, but a lot of the things that put my life on hold and left me in limbo, are things that shouldn't have happened until i was old. i shouldn't have had to worry about these things until i was retirement age. it would have been terrible even then, but at least i could have said that i lived my life instead of having it cut off before i hit my mid twenties. i'm sounding bitter now and i know it. you can't fight mother nature. one of the first rules, right? we tried, the doctors and i, we did try. she fought back and i am paying for it with a condition worse than i started with. all in time, allin her own sweet time... it's what it all comes down to, time. how do you spend your time, do you fill it with purpose and meaning or with frivolity and waste or maybe a bit of both? it's weird here in limbo, i don't hear the tick tock of the clock anymore, or feel the passing of days as i once did. it's all a constant flow of tv shows and books i've read that have told me time has passed. i miss the tick tock, it told me i was alive, like a heart beat, keeping everything going.