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right now i seem to be in a very strange place. i've got the manic end of the deal going on with the bipolar, but at the same time, i've got a twinge of depression. that started when a friend of mine died. other than family, i've never had anyone close to me die. i have lost a large number of family members, but that didn't prepare me for what it was like to lose a friend. clint was a good man and didn't deserve to die so young, he was 54 yrs old. he also didn't deserve to suffer from the diseases his body was inflicted with and i know he is no longer suffering in body or spirit, as he did while he was alive. i keep waiting for him to call me, but i know that the call isn't coming anymore. i just can't bring myself to delete his number from my cell phone. some might wonder if there was more than friendship between us, but there wasn't. at least not on my part. he was one of my best friends, and i don't have very many close friends. i really couldn't afford to lose him, but i did. now there will be noone pushing me to do things and making me get up and do things, even when i feel like crap and i don't want to have to even move. he managed to get me moving. so now i am left with this empty place that clint once filled and i don't know what i should do about it. they say time heals all wounds, but i'm not so sure about that. i still miss my grandfather as if he died only yesterday and he has been dead 19 yrs now.
so now i have the weirdness of being both manic and sad at the same time. not a very good combination. the only good thing is that the doctors have managed to keep the manic to a mild manic. a full blown manic at this point would not be good. so i will go on i suppose and try to figure a way out of this morass.

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